fun site of the week/month: SABAR
ethnic musical instruments: djembés, didgeridoos ...
http://surf.to/barefoot
is presently serving as a front door of sorts
>
~~~ Are you an Engineer? ~~~
>
> THE TEST
>
> Fist, let's establish: Are you a geek-at-heart? What answer
to the
> following question do you feel most inclined to:
>
> You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
> You...
>
> A. Straighten it.
> B. Ignore it.
> C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next
six months designing a
> solar-powered, self-adjusting
picture frame while often stating
> aloud your belief
that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
>
> The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody
who
> writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the
whole
> stupid thing on "Marketing."
>
>
> SOCIAL SKILLS
>
> Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
>
> "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from
> social
> interaction:
>
> * Stimulating and thought-provoking
conversation
> * Important social contacts
> * A feeling of connectedness
with other humans
>
> In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives
for
> social interactions:
>
> * Get it over with as soon
as possible.
> * Avoid getting invited
to something unpleasant.
> * Demonstrate mental superiority
and mastery of all subjects.
>
>
> FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
>
> To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one
of two
> categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will
need
> to
> be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers
like
> to
> solve problems. If there are no problems handily available,
they will
> create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept;
> they
> believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that
if it
> ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
> No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering
what it
> would take to turn it into a stun gun.
> No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon
> coating would make showering unnecessary.
> To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and
> feature-poor toys.
>
>
> FASHION AND APPEARANCE
>
> Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
> thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied.
If no
> appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no private parts
or
> mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective
of
> clothing has been met.
> Anything else is a waste.
>
>
> LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
>
> Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.
It's a
> small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are
portrayed
> as heroes, occasionally even mating with aliens. This is much more
> glamorous
> than the real social life of an engineer.
>
>
> DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
>
> Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ
various
> indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
> attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance
above
> function.
>
> Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely
> recognized
> as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed,
honest,
> and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal
people would
> prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense
> desire
> to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will
have
> high-paying jobs long before they start dating.
>
> Male engineers reach their peak of physical attractiveness later
than
> normal
> men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to
late
> forties. Just look at these examples of irresistible men in technical
> professions:
>
> * Bill Gates.
> * MacGyver.
> * Etcetera.
>
> Female engineers become irresistible to male engineers at the age
of
> consent
> and remain that way until, oh, about their clinical death.
>
>
> HONESTY
>
> Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
> relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers
away from
> customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle
the
> truth.
>
> Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things
that
> sound
> like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected
to
> believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed
below.
>
> "I won't change
anything without asking you first."
> "I'll return
your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
> "I have to
have new equipment to do my job."
> "I'm not jealous
of your new computer."
>
>
> FRUGALITY
>
> Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness
or
> mean
> spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a
problem
> in
> optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining
> the
> greatest amount of cash?"
>
>
> POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
>
> If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability
to
> concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything
else in
> the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced
dead
> prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started
checking
> resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree
in electrical
> engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in
the
> lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
>
>
> RISK
>
> Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can.
This is
> understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake,
the
> media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
>
> EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
> * Hindenberg.
> * Space Shuttle Challenger.
> * SPANet(tm)
> * Hubble space telescope.
> * Apollo 13.
> * Titanic.
> * Ford Pinto.
> * Corvair.
>
> The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
>
> * RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands
of innocent
> people.
> * REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome
plastic frame.
>
> Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks
and
> rewards
> and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid
risk is
> by
> advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons
that are
> far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient
to
> halt
> a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense:
> "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
>
>
> EGO
>
> Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
>
> * How smart they are.
> * How many cool devices
they own.
>
> The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare
that
> the
> problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable
> problem
> until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient
to get the
> engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal
> --
> a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
>
> Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.
> (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed
in solving
> the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than
anything
> else.
>
> Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
> somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes
use that
> knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer.
When an
> engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means
it's
> not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance
at the
> engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along
these
> lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve
difficult
> technical problems."
>
> At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand
between
> the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the
problem like
> a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
>
Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note
of
the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the
article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50
for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and
six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to
$3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply
it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5
inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a
1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I
look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A satisfied taxpayer
----------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to
protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out
the
warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions
is not
required, but the information will help us to develop new products
that best
meet your needs and desires.
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Initial: ........
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[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
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6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell-Douglas product
you
have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
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[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
to
purchase this McDonnell-Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
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[_] VCR
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[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
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10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all
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[_] Communist / Socialist
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11. How did you pay for your McDonnell-Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
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12. Your occupation
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
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[_] Retired
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13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate
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spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
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[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
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Your answers
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To solve his dilemma, he found two groups of computer
experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be
refereed to as "HE" because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the
time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you
had waited a little longer, you could have had a
newer
and better model.
The group of men reported that computers should be referred
to as "SHE" because:
1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is
incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories
for it.
"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this
bike. She threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and
said 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice! The clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
It's really not too difficult to fix your own hard drive, if the problem
is
a head crash, or the infamous Seagate "stiction" problem, if you know
what
to do. You will require #4/0 steel wool, Varsol, WD-40, a few hand
tools,
and about 45 minutes.
First, you need a clean room, so make sure the garage door is closed
before
you begin. Move those old lawnmower parts off the bench.
Disassemble the sealed unit and carefully wash all parts with Varsol.
Bend
the read/write heads out of the way and then disassemble the platter
stack.
VERY CAREFULLY buff the platter surfaces with the #4/0 steel wool. This
will remove any existing data, level out any surface defects, and help
to
redistribute the magnetic media and fill in those pesky "bad sectors"
that
most drives have.
Reassemble the platter stack, and using a .015" feeler gauge, bend the
read/write head back to the platter surface, using the feeler gauge
to set
the gap. This is a slightly higher gap than the factory uses, but it
reduces the chance of head collisions with any flotsam you neglected
to remove.
Give the head and platters a good shot of WD-40 and reassemble the unit.
If
your drive has a filter, replace it with a clean section of gauze pad.
All that's left is to low level and DOS format the drive, and you're
back
in business.
I haven't tried this yet myself, but my friend's wife's sister-in-law's
husband knows a technician who does it all the time.
Stop Software Mistreatment!
People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced
today
that
more software companies have been added to the groups "watch list"
of
companies that regularly practice software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that
companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola, a
spokesman for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products
are
available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and
arduous test - often without rest - for hours or days at a time.
Employees
are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary and inside
sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.
"It's no joke," Grandola said. "Innocent programs, from the day they are
compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end.
They
spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and they
are
unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."
Grandola said that the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and
is
infested with bugs.
"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry
giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become successful without
resorting to software testing.
13> "Happy Mac" icon replaced by "Happy Mac downloading porno" icon.
12> Errors now produce Bill Gates's cackling laugh and an image of
his butt.
11> Legal fireworks ensue when marketing blitz coincides with
McDonalds' introduction of their new eyeball burger.
10> Free "Gullible Consumer" button with every purchase.
9> It only costs twice as much as a 233 MHz Pentium II, yet it
will run almost 29% as much software!
8> Includes "Robert Downey, Jr. Mode" for energy-saving auto
shut-off.
7> Decided not to go with the original "Bill Gates gave us a ton
of dough and here's what we came up with" marketing
campaign.
6> Special "Presidential" version: the iMacDaddy
5> Still "insanely great", but now with 300% more insane!
4> Makes a Grande Skinny Latte like nobody's business.
3> Trash can icon lined with Apple stock certificate icons.
2> Due to miscommunication with design team, the first prototype
was called the IMAX and featured a 100-foot high
monitor.
and Top5's Number 1 Surprise About Apple's New iMac Computer...
1> Design team responsible for "new look" signed the inside of
the case -- in Braille.
Remember that the information with which you are dealing is in the form
of
electrons. Electrons are very small (so small that it takes two full
professors of physics and a graduate student just to see one), but
they
are real entities with mass and weight and which occupy space. This
can be
used to your advantage.
For example, electrons have mass and weight and therefore are subject
to
the laws of gravity. So if you are downloading a file from the net,
the
process can be made faster by having your computer, hard disk, and
modem
BELOW your telephone jack so gravity can speed the process. On the
other
hand, when you upload a file to the net, hold your computer, hard drive,
and modem ABOVE your telephone jack, thus combining uploading with
a brisk
cardiovascular workout. If your phone jack is at floor level, have
it
raised or your downloading will always be slow.
You will note that when uploading, the weight of your hard disk becomes
a
real factor. You can reduce the weight of your hard disk in two ways.
First, remove all unnecessary files and store them on a separate storage
device. Secondly, change the typeface and size of all retained files
to 3
point Times Condensed. Considerably less space and hence, fewer electrons
and less weight will be on your hard drive.
The Internet is complex and delicate and easily thrown out of balance.
Therefore, it is important to balance carefully your downloads and
uploads
so that they are roughly equal. (The Internet can compensate for small
imbalances.) If you have just downloaded an 8 megabyte program you
should
immediately upload an 8 megabyte transmittal. The easiest way to do
this
is to create (by cut and paste) an 8 megabyte file of gibberish which
you
can transmit to a friend or news group chosen at random. ( For all
you
AOLers, just click the FORWARD button when you receive a FWD: and make
sure that it goes out to your entire recipient list, those generally
take
up about 8 MB as well. oops, who said that?)
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration
for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please
log off."
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16. User Error: Replace user.
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
DOUBLE DOSE OF LAUGH MEDICINE
ACTUAL QUOTES from Federal employee
performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started
to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of
a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
10. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
12. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
13. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
14. "A room temperature IQ."
15. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
altogether."
16. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
17. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
18. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
19. "Bright as Alaska in December."
20. "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Fell out of the family tree."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "He's so dense, light bends around him."
26. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
27. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
28. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
31. "One neuron short of a synapse."
32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
33. "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
34. "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
35. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
-R J O' Dell
THE LAWYER & THE LITTLE BOY
A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and their little
boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello."
Lawyer: "Is your mommy there?"
Boy: (whisper) "Yes."
Lawyer: "Can I speak with her?"
Boy: (whisper) "She's busy."
Lawyer: "Is your daddy there?"
Boy: (whisper) "Yes."
Lawyer: "Can I speak with him?"
Boy: (whisper) "He's busy."
Lawyer: "Is there anyone else there?"
Boy: (whisper) "The fire department."
Lawyer: "Can I talk to one of them?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're busy."
Lawyer: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
Boy: (whisper) "The police department."
Lawyer: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're busy."
Lawyer: "Let me get this straight, your mother,
father, the fire department AND the police department
are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT
are they doing?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're looking for me."
-Chuck
FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES: LOVE IS...
Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children
(ages 5 to 10). Their responses were very enlightening and amazingly
astute,proving that all we really need to know we probably learned
in
kindergarten. Hehehehehehehe!
Q: What is the proper age to get married?
"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't
have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other."
(Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going
to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)
Q: What do most people do on a date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other
lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
(Mike,10)
Q: When is it OK to kiss someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have
enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want
to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's
a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I
might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)
Q: Is it better to be single or married?
"It's better for girls to be single, but not
for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that
stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
Q: Why does love happen between two
people?
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard
it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant
are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with
an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)
Q: What is it like to fall in love?
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for
your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning
to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long to learn." (Leo, 7)
Q: What is the role of good looks in
love and romance?
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't
already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at
me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are
can last a longtime." (Christine, 9)
Q: Why do lovers often hold hands?
"They want to make sure their rings don't
fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)
Q: What is your opinion about love?
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't
happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying
to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but
the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding
fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
Q: What personal qualities are necessary
to be a good lover?
"One of you should know how to write a check.
Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot
of bills." (Ava, 8)
Q: What are some surefire ways to make
a person fall in love with you?
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy
stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers.
You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo,
9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make
sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
(Bart, 9)
Q: How can you tell if two adults eating
dinner at a restaurant are in love?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's
how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other
and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad,
8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts
that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their
hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)
Q: What are most people thinking when
they say, "I love you"?
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do
love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
Q: How does a person learn to kiss?
"You learn it right on the spot, when the
gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help if you watched soap operas
all day." (Carin, 9)
Q: When is it OK to kiss someone?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always
slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
Q: How can you make love endure?
"Spend most of your time loving instead of
going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...that will
mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife
forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)
-Doogy
TRIVIA
A rainbow can occur only when the sun is 40
degrees or less above the horizon.
-Someone who actually sat down and worked this out!
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned oft. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound oft. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about. It automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object oriented"
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendplus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendplus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancée 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins
he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up
system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife
1.0 came with MotherlnLaw, which has an automatic pop-up feature, he can't
turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard
if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0
won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin,
>From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy --although
My boss let me go --
Happily Addicted to the Web
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware that time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily Addicted to the Web
Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo man! -
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a list less shrug, I mutter, "No man;
I just discovered rhythmweb-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday they drag me away?
I'm Happily Addicted to the Web
You _know_ you're addicted to email when any of these red flags go up...
You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email.
You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator
3.x or higher."
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just
unhooked a loved one from their "life support system".
You spend half of the plane trip with your lap top on your lap... and
your
child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year of two, just for
the
free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail. : )>
Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start
to
twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number.
You try to hum to communicate with the modem. .....and you succeed.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself a "YourName@aol-dot-com".
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
Your cat has its own home page.
You can't call your mother....she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "No New Messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they
have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You tell the cab driver you live at:
"http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.htm."
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
Any of you tilting out there?
Thanks for your patience, if present.
Thanks and Praises JAH
Blessed Be
In Time
R
NEW: Different colors from previous version.
ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.
NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.
Did you hear the story about the lawyer, merchant and the engineer?
All three were found guilty of conspiring against the king and
sentenced
to death by the guillotine. The lawyer went first, the
blade came down
and stopped half way. "It is sign from God, let the lawyer
go" said the
executioner, so they let him go. The merchant was next,
the same thing
happened, and they let him go too. When the engineer approached,
he
said "There's your problem, here let me fix it".
Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced
error messages in Haiku. They would read like these:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but endless others exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen
dies so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao, until
you bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
'Windows' is like that.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
Rather than a beep
or a rude error message,
these words: "File not found."
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THE TOP 50 OXYMORONS:
>>
>>50. Act naturally
>>49. Found missing
>>48. Resident alien
>>47. Advanced BASIC
>>46. Genuine imitation
>>45. Airline Food
>>44. Good grief
>>43. Same difference
>>42. Almost exactly
>>41. Government organization
>>40. Sanitary landfill
>>39. Alone together
>>38. Legally drunk
>>37. Silent scream
>>36. British fashion
>>35. Living dead
>>34. Small crowd
>>33. Business ethics
>>32. Soft rock
>>31. Butt Head
>>30. Military Intelligence
>>29. Software documentation
>>28. New York culture
>>27. New classic
>>26. Sweet sorrow
>>25. Childproof
>>24. "Now, then ..."
>>23. Synthetic natural gas
>>22. Christian Scientists
>>21. Passive aggression
>>20. Taped live
>>19. Clearly misunderstood
>>18. Peace force
>>17. Extinct Life
>>16. Temporary tax increase
>>15. Computer jock
>>14. Plastic glasses
>>13. Terribly pleased
>>12. Computer security
>>11. Political science
>>10. Tight slacks
>> 9. Definite maybe
>> 8. Pretty ugly
>> 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
>> 6. Diet ice cream
>> 5. Paperless Office
>> 4. Working vacation
>> 3. Exact estimate
>> 2. Religious tolerance
>>
>>And the Number one top Oxymoron
>>
>> 1. Microsoft Works
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Today's list marks the passing of an era in Top5 history.
Our contract with Windows
Sources magazine
as our corporate sponsor
has expired, and
we'll be going our separate
ways after today.
We'd like to thank WS and Ziff-Davis
for everything
they've done for (and to) us, and we wish them the
best.
Special thanks to Jim Louderback, Jackie Gavron, David Berlind,
and Edward Grossman (the last in a long line of webmasters).
================================================================
POSITION AVAILABLE: CORPORATE SPONSOR
-- APPLY WITHIN
================================================================
June 12, 1998
The Top 16 Topics
Windows Sources Prevented
Us from Using Over the Last Two Years
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com
]
[ To forward or repost, please include
this section. ]
16> Things Bodily Orifices Not Located Directly Under the Nose
Would Say If They Could Talk
15> Signs You've Got the Wrong Operating System
14> Words That Rhyme With "Duck"
13> Unethical Practices of Ziff-Davis Executives (parts I, II,
III, IV and V)
12> Rejected Proctology Jokes from "Who's The Boss" Scripts
11> Reasons Computer Magazines Make Great Fronts for Money
Laundering
10> Windows Sources Advertisers Whose Products Suck
9> Sexual Fantasies of Bill Gates
8> Ways to Sue the Living Crap out of Windows Sources and Win
7> Incriminating Things We Know About That Coward, John Gotti
6> Rap Weenies Who Couldn't Find Us If They Tried
5> Uses For A Baby Seal Carcass
4> Reasons Why Windows Sources was Foolish to Pay Chris White
for Two Years for Joke Lists He Didn't Even Write
3> Tricks Played on Mr. Ziff By Mr. Davis
2> Cool Ways to Make Little Kids Cry
and Top5's Number 1 Topic Windows Sources Prevented
Us from Using Over the Last
Two Years...
1> Signs You're a Pathetic Geek Who Spends Too Much Money
on Computer Magazines
ALL NEW...................Software is not compatible with previous versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN...........Upper management doesn't understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH..............It finally booted on the first try.
NEW.......................Different colors from previous version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY.........Developed on a shoe string budget.
EXCLUSIVE.................We're the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED..............Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION.......All parameters are hard-coded.
FUTURISTIC................It will only run on the next generation supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY.............All the directories compare.
IT'S HERE AT LAST.........Released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE..........Impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS...It compiles without errors.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN........Works through beta test.
REVOLUTIONARY.............Disk drives go round and round.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED...We'll send you another copy if it fails.
STOCK ITEM................We shipped it once before and we can do it
again.
UNMATCHED.................Almost as good as the competition.
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE.Nothing ever ran this slow before.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT......Finally got one to work.
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls
are free for
the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We
think its a
little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it
out by the
release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase
a new,
larger living room; or you can use Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture
into
the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment
center
on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an
empty
spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you
need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the
light
fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit.
The
threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug
and play.
You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round,
not
rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: "<sigh> Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes,
when I have
guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop.
The water
pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture
fails to
terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other
fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the
house,
turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house
and then you'll be back on track."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you
selling
me?"
Contractor: "Hey, remember, if you don't like it, nobody made
you buy
it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release
sometime near the end of 1998. Actually it was due out earlier
this
year, but we've had some delays..."
-------------------------------------------------------
: Offensive to MicroSoft Fans
From Office Systems 98....
Back in March, Bill Gates of Microsoft, testified before a congressional
committee that if automobiles had enjoyed the same gains in productivity
that computers have achieved int he last 10 years, then we'd all be
driving $25 cars that get 1,000 miles to the gallon. True, perhaps,
but as our resident fax guru Pete Davidson in his FaxWire newsletter
noted, Gates left out a few crucial points in the analogy. If,
in fact,
cars were PCs:
- Your car would crash two or three times a day, sometimes just
sitting in park
- Apple would make a solar-powered, highly reliable car that would be
twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on 10% of the
roads.
- Every time the transportation department built a new road, we'd have
to buy a new car to travel on it.
- Then, if we bought a new car, the brake, accelerator, and steering
wheel would all be in different places.
- Every time you put your foot on the brake, a message window would
pop up on the dashboard and say: Are your sure?
Yes/No.
- Once or twice a week your car would stall in the middle of the
freeway. Then you would have to call a mechanic
in another city who
would tell you over the phone how to remove and reinstall the
engine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means that if something
costs $100,000 to him, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You
can
work out the right multiplier for your own net worth.
So for example, you might think a new Lamborghini Diablo would cost
$250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's 63 cents.
That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the
1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? A penny.
A nice home in a rich town Palo Alto, California? Two dollars. That
nice
mansion he's building? A reasonable $125 to him.
You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family
to
see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand, could buy the team
for
100 Bill-bills.
You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare
coach. In Bill-bills, Mr.. Gates could buy three 747s. One for him,
one
for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.
Yet More: Evan Marcus, a Systems Engineer from Fair Lawn, New Jersey
who
maintains a Bill Gates Net Worth Page on his web site, notes that Bill
could buy every single major league team in Baseball, Football,
Basketball and Hockey for only about 35% of his net worth -- plenty
left
over to buy a European sport.
Of course then he wouldn't have around $150 for every person in the
USA
as he does now. Nor could he still give $6.70 to every person on the
planet.
Marcus suggests that Bill could only pay Michael Jordan's 1997 salary
only 1300 times, but that he could buy 902 million subscriptions to
TV
guide. He's also fascinated by how much all this money would be if
put
into dollar bills. Laid end to end, the Bills would stretch 3.8 million
miles -- to the moon and back over 8 times. They could paper
over all
of Manhattan 7 times, or be stacked 2,690 miles high -- watch
out for
satellites. They would weigh 40,000 tons -- 100 times the weight of
one
of those 747s he bought above.
But one thing Marcus says Bill can't do is even dent the national debt.
Should he selflessly donate his stock to the U.S. treasury, he
would
reduce the $5.37 trillion national debt by well under 1%.
It's nice to put things in perspective.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
---
Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you
must
immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat,
do not
ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these
horrible
viruses.
1. Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes
very
jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
2. Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
3. Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
4. Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
6. Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.
8. Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
9. Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
10. Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands
to
300MB.
11. AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
12. MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for
the AT&T
virus.
13. Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic
microorganism."
14. Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn
thing
quits.
15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
16. Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is
fine.
17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which
does
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important
part
of your computer.
18. Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
19. Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing
on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
20. Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow
the
user to accomplish anything.
21. Airline Virus
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
22. PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.
24. LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases
them in "self-defense."
25. O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your
files
and vows to find the virus that did it.
Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...
C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd
simply refer to him on the other side.
COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES
THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc
Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't
dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully
cooked.
Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on
the other side.
G3 300 MHz Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken.
Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999999978 times.
Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.
Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the
server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are
chicklets.)
Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we
do!
Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to
cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.
Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And
it just bought the road.
Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you
can carry it across the road in your pocket!
NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for
sure.
OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a
message.
OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so
quiet that nobody noticed.
OS/ 8.1 HFS+ Chicken: It had much more free space to cross.
Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically
on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your
choice.
VB Chicken: USHighways!<TheRoad.cross> (aChicken)
Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on
running.
Windows 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it
crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.
Windows 98 Chicken: It should have expected to cause a crash while
crossing.
Proper Diskette Care and Usage
(1) Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of
the disk and corrode
the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and
stored in pencil
holders.
(2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal
particles
may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the
disk. Any
stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel
wool. When
waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the
diskette to spin
faster, resulting in better access time.
(3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big"
Diskettes may be
folded and used in "Little" drives.
(4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can
fall off the surface of
the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
(5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy
machine. If
your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes
into your drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both
disks. A handy tip
for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at
your desk. When you
need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the
diskettes before
inserting them into the drive.
(6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while
the red light is on or
flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
Occasionally, the
red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked"
state. If your system
is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being
allowed to access
the slot.
(7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the
disk from the drive
and shake vigourously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough
(data
compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings
with scotch tape
to prevent loss of data.
(8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in
the diskette
jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
(9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system
bugs from
spreading.....
(10) You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable
compartment of your
refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to un thaw by microwaving
or briefly
immersing in boiling water.
(11) "Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use.
These containers are
childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.
(12) You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command:
FORMAT
/U or alternatively by scratching new sector marks on the disk with
a nail file.
(13) Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your
"hard" disks
before they become too brittle to use.
(14) Make sure you label your data. Staples are a good way to permanently
affix labels to your disks.
by Alan Meiss
Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real*
shift keys are
located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them
out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in
"look up at the
screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit
staring at your
fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use
this feature,
however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen
Burn-In, which
would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty
at the time.
You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector
program for only
$139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't
warn you.
q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital
letters and
punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor.
Perhaps your deity
would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe
you can retain a
consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing
punctuation
marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions;
replace ? with
"huh" and ! with "zowie".
Q> I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW>
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard
frequently? If
so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First,
disconnect your
keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as
you can. Next,
immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite
lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to
dry the keyboard.
Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the
dryer for not less than 60
minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two
keys labelled
"hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing
your hands
more frequently for that matter.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled
with an excited
Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful
you're using a
friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words
'n stuff on it.
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters.
Is there any other
way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate
the shift key
merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer
is equippped
with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly
and slowly into
its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key
moves down. Note
that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the
computer to
recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between
the two. Keep
track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts.
Your keyboard
may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little
tally marks in
two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to
a little trouble than
wind up with a broken shift key.
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon
appears much larger
when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because
of their proximity to
other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your
keyboard, place it in an
upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough,
the keys all look
the same size!
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will
my computer
explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or
vt100 terminal
emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it.
Forget I mentioned it.
Just type softly. Move along, next question.
Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard,
the problem
may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these
keys to send you a Message that you have strayed
from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect
on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of
shifting,
consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with
any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.
Programmers:
- Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school
nerds
who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and
memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create
"user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them
noogies.
Default Directory:
- Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need
disappear to.
Error message:
- Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on
users
for the program's shortcomings.
File:
- A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.
It
helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet -
except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an
electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Help:
- The feature that assists in generating more questions. When
the
help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through
a
series of Help screens and end up where they started from without
learning anything.
Interim Release:
- A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Users:
- Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users
are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
Novice Users:
- People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break
their
computer.
Intermediate Users:
- People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've
just
pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users:
- People who break other people's computers.
User-Friendly:
- Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes
perfect sense to a programmer.
Reference Manual:
- Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to
compensate for that short table leg.
Beta:
- Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released.
Beta
is Latin for "still doesn't work."
________________________________________________________
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was when a band played at night
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3" floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
Log was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
--Computer Acronyms and what they really mean--
===========================================================
PCMCIA
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN
It Still Does Nothing
APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI
System Can't See It
DOS
Defunct Operating System
BASIC
Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
DEC
Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW
World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most
Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
Quickie: Loyal Reader Ajesh has found something that must have
been on Uncle Bill Gates' mind. Fire up Word, type in zzzz (four
z's) and then do a spell check. See what is there as the suggested
replacement. And I always thought those "z's" meant snoring . . .
WinErr: 001 Windows
loaded - System in danger.
WinErr: 002
No Error - Yet.
WinErr: 003
Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file.
WinErr: 004
Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong.
WinErr: 005
Multitasking attempted - System confused.
WinErr: 006
Malicious error - Desqview found on drive.
WinErr: 007
System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware.
WinErr: 008
Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments.
WinErr: 009
Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened.
WinErr: 00A
Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full.
WinErr: 00B
Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB.
WinErr: 00C
Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More!
WinErr: 00D
Window closed - Do not look outside.
WinErr: 00E
Window open - Do not look inside.
WinErr: 00F
Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened.
WinErr: 010
Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.
WinErr: 013
Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr: 014
Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018
Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one.
WinErr: 019
User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A
Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software.
WinErr: 01B
Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error.
Next time
you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C
Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr: 01D
System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E
Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 020
Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042
Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box.
The virus,
however, requires Windows. All tasks
will automatically
be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079
Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been
installed.
Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103
Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered.
Additional
errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr: 683
Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete
boot procedure.
WinErr: 625
Working Error - The system has been working perfectly for the past ten
minutes.
WniErr: 902
Screen Error - The system is working perfectly, I'm not lying, your monitor
is wrong.
WinErr: 72a
Crucial Halt - Hang on, WHAT was that?
WinErr: 72b
Memory Error - What? Tell me again.
WinErr: 39c
Disk Error in drive a: - Although your disk is in
perfect
condition (I just formatted it), I don't like it any more.
WinErr: 983
Hard Disk Error - The files on the hard disk were neatly
arranged
and fully optimized, so I had to
mess them
up and put a couple of hundred .TMP files all over the place.
WinErr: 294
BlackMail Error - $500 to Gates or your computer gets screwed.
WinErr: 294b
BlackMail Error - $500 to Gates or I'll show your wife the
JPG's
you just downloaded.
1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without
a LOT of third party
support.
2. Both barf all over themselves _regularly_.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be
better than that which
preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact,
but they seem to grow and
grow and grow with each
passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty
much anyone could have
produced one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months
between the announcement and the
actual release.
9. The father/Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.
Signs in the USA (mostly)
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant
"Now serving live lobsters."
On the menu of a restaurant
"Blackened bluefish"
In a New Jersey restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."
On the walls of a Baltimore estate
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters
of Mercy"
On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store "Thirty-eight years
on the same spot."
In a New York drugstore
"We dispense with accuracy."
In a New York medical building
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church"
In a funeral parlor
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
Outside a country shop
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store "15 men's wool suits - $100
- They won't last an hour!"
In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers "Parking
for
birds only."
In the vestry of a New England church
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light
is
extinguished"
In a laundry room
"Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable
damage."
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago "Do not
activate with wet hands."
In a New Hampshire jewelry store
"Ears pierced while you wait."
In a New York restaurant
"Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin "Crap - .79/lb."
In a Florida maternity ward
No children allowed."
In the offices of a loan company
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
At a number of US military bases
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards
"Now available in multi-packs"
In the window of an Oregon general store
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetary
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves."
On the grounds of a private school
"No trespassing without permission."
In a library
"Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking
it away."
On a Tennessee highway
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
In front of a New Hampshire car wash
"If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street
from
a
bus terminal
"Terminal Drugs"
>From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket
"If
you are sitting in an exit row and cannot read this card, please tell
a
crew member."
On a delicatessen wall
"Our best is none too good"
On a roller caoster
"Watch your head"
On a Maine shop
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship."
In downtown Boston
"Callahan Tunnel / No end."
A sign on a front yard in York, Maine
"Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR
HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK
SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB
RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING
SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting
the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
that says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the
terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret
Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and
such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software
Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to
come to
the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the
user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until
death
do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light, ...,
finders keepers, losers weepers, ...
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose
one, and be honest:
+-------+ +--------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-------+ +--------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
for a very long time while the installation program does who knows
what in there.
Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures,
so
that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an
entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive
and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
"puree.exe", "fester.dat", and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your
software.
If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness
of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
immediately *<@!$)$%@&*^^>)</$*!#$_$*^^&>
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
furniture.
12. Call the Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and
wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in
a
clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D,
layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination,
and
regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
Charleston
County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you
have
found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our
staff, who
has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is
evident
that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of
this
specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are
familiar
with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction
with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes
of
the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
typically
fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent
with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous
man-eating
Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that
time. This
latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you
have submitted in your history with this institution, but the
evidence
seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into
too much
detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog
has
chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny
your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially
due to the
heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly
due to
carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic
record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly
inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of
assigning
your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino."
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance
of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because
the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
like
it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid
fossil,
it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great
body of work
you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know
that our
Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the
display
of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution,
and
the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon
next in
your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that
you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing
the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you
expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation
of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent
juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take
on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive
crescent
wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe: Curator, Antiquities
Last Wednesday, scientists at the International Astronomical Union
announced that an asteroid would be passing within 30,000 miles of
Earth
in the year 2028, and that there was a possibility of a collision.
However, on Friday, the IAU admitted an error due to lack of access
to all
of the data. Now they predict that the asteroid will come within
*600,000* miles of Earth, and that it poses no threat of a collision
in
2028.
The Top 16 Other Predictions from the
International Astronomical Union
16> Asteroid will miss Earth by 600,000 miles, but Earth will then
graze a huge space iceberg and sink 5 hours later.
15> As Asteroid 1997-XF11 crosses Jupiter's cusp today, romance
seems likely. Watch out for Capricorns and
Libra, but seek
out those Geminis! Your lucky number is 9."
14> The planet Pluto probably looks nothing like the cartoon dog.
13> In 47.602 billion years, there will be only two constellations,
both of which will resemble 1970 Oldsmobile Vista
Cruiser
station wagons.
12> Quayle in 2000!
11> A huge meteor will hit Earth shortly. It's over 100 miles
wide and has "Hubbell" written on its side.
10> The universe is now contracting, but the size of John Goodman's
ass will continue to expand exponentially.
9> Them Spice Girls is out of this world!
8> The "Big Bang" must inevitably be followed by the "Big
Cigarette," then the "Big Sandwich," and ultimately
the
"Big Sleep."
7> Primary element in the Milky Way galaxy? Nougat.
6> The traffic lights wiiill chaaange... NOW!... No wait.
Okay, NOW!... Dammit! How about... NOW!?...
5> *Our* moon isn't made of cheese, but Ganymede?
Nothin' but Gouda!
4> The moon will impact the ocular orb in a manner resembling
a large, hot, red-yellow pepperoni-laden disk, and
the event
will be named after its discoverer, Enrico Amore.
3> The sun'll come out tomorrow. Bet yer bottom dollar!
2> "Our credibility is falling!!! Our credibility is falling!!!"
and the Number 1 Other Prediction from
the International Astronomical Union...
1> Astronomer who did the original asteroid-collision calculations
will be highly successful in his new janitorial
job.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
State Mottos
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: Se Habla Ingles
Colorado:If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut:Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier
and With Less Character
Florida: The Gunshine State
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist
Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki
Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But
Leave Your Money)
Idaho: Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal
Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle
States
Kentucky: Five Million People,
Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk
Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign
Maine: For Sale
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: The Sue Me State
Michigan: First Line of Defense
From the Canadians
Minnesota: Land of 7,000 lakes
and 3,000 man-made ponds
Mississippi: Come Feel Better
About Your Own State
Missouri: You're Federal Flood
Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky,
the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State
Motto Contest
Nevada: Prostitutes and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave
Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##!
Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent
Pets
New York: You Have the Right to
Remain Silent, You Have the Right to
an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got...
Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah,
Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play Only No
Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's
For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY
An Island
South Carolina: Incest is Best
South Dakota: Closer Than North
Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Don't Mess with Texas --
We're Armed
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than
Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government
Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Keep Washington Green,
Grow Hemp
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family
-- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot
When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like
"data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted
desperately
to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in
the
computer industry.
Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years,
I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge
with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting
user
feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released.
Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was
invented by
Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow
Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered
his
invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked.
On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File
Format"
error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's
death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's
engine.
It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning
wheel
that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286,
a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.
Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where
all files
that you need disappear to.
Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place
blame
on users for the program's shortcomings.
File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.
It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet -
except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric
shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that
can
be kicked or battered.
Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions.
When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate
through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from
without learning anything.
Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible
data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of
variety,
and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three
main parts:
the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group
of high
school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons,
and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create
"user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level.
Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined
by
estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from
it.
User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept
that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
- Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing
a key
might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix
their computer
after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it...
Oops. Sorry, I goofed.
I meant to send you the Toddler Property Laws, but I've accidentally
picked up Bill Gates' primary business plan instead.
Gail
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost
instantly.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with
no other
people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used
to 4-star
hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed
for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue
ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out
of the
corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here
when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know
anyone else
had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have
a
rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?". "Oh,
simple."
replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that
I found
on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove
the
bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools
or
hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem,"
replied the
woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata
of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.
I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.
But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly
he
confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well,
let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes
of
rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto
shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading
to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the
house,
she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down
please;
would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut
juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have
a still."
How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the
man
accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had
exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into
something
more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there
is a razor
upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There
in
the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to
a
hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines
--strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've
been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's
something
I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
longing
for all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied,
"...I can check my e-mail from here?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and
has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed,
the
United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology
but
was cut off.
"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's
voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three
children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no
idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,"...And I don't give any
money to
them, so why should I give any to you ?!?"
Here is a bunch of good stuff from Gail: e-mail intrepidrider@taconic.net
or visit her page - she's a great proofreader
you knew it was only a matter of time ...
(warning: turn back now to avoid lewd and lascivious language)
Top 10 Benefits From a White House Internship:
10. First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs
9. Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great
8. Gives new meaning to MTV slogan "Rock the Vote"
7. Observe the President's commitment to young people first hand
6. Learn intricacies of statutory rape law
5. Have president chase you around desk brandishing his 'subpoena'
4. President tells you he really wants you on his staff
3. Try out JFK's legendary rocking chair
2. Have president introduce you to his 'special investigator'
1. Find out what a politician means when
he says he's been polling
his
constituents
______________________
What's the new game in the White House?
Swallow the Leader!
______________________
What's the headline in tomorrow's papers?
BUSH Beats Clinton!
______________________
What did Al Gore say when he heard of Clinton's troubles?
I'm only one orgasm away from the Presidency!
______________________
Yesterday, President Clinton was interviewed by Jim Lehrer
on his alleged affair with a whitehouse intern and subsequent
alleged subornation of her perjury. Clinton said, "I'm
just trying to
suppress my natural impulses and get back to work." Well put.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward
and
Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to
write
a
new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike McCurry, White House Spokesman, just told reporters that "The
president really wants to be in a position to satisfy people with his
performance."
Isn't that the whole problem?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It occurred to me on the way back from lunch today that there was really
only *one* suitable name for the latest Clinton scandal:
"Willie-gate" Remember, you heard it here first...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Clinton's defense in the White House aide sex scandal;
"I didn't come."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cambridge, Mass. Bumper sticker?
"Re-elect President Gore in 2000"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hillary Clinton is coming out with her new book, "It takes a
village to watch my husband"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington
monument. He said, "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start
over."
Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.
Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said
"Tom,
what should I do?"
After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the
Lincoln
Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and
go
to
the theater?"
gail
The Countryman's Guide to Computer Lingo
Modem:
What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix:
Farmer Matrix's Old Lady.
Printer:
Someone who can't write in cursive.
Lap Top:
Where little kids feel comfy
Keyboard:
Where you hang your keys.
Electronic Mail:
Bathroom readin' material.
Log On:
Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off:
Don't add wood.
Monitor:
Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download:
Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz:
When yer not careful downloadin' (watch th'
toes!)
Floppy Disk:
Whacha get from pilin' too much firewood.
Disk Operating System:
The equipment the Doc uses when you have a
floppy
disk.
RAM:
The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter
work.
Software:
Them there plastic eatin' utensils.
Hard Drive:
Gettin' home in mud season.
Prompt:
What you wish the mail was in mud season.
486 MB:
One of them fancy imported cars.
Mouse:
What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
Main Frame:
The part of the barn thet holds the roof up.
Windows:
What to shut when it's 30 below.
Screen:
What you need for black fly season.
Byte:
What black flies do.
Port:
Fancy wine.
Enter:
C'mon in!
Random Access Memory:
You can't remeber how much that new rifle cost
when
your wife asks.
Digital:
Like those numbers that flip on your alarm
clock.
Apple:
If you don't know, I ain't tellin'.
Program:
What's on TV when there's reception.
FAX:
Dunno... Ma would never talk to us about 'em.
CD ROM:
The furanah at the bank that sells retirement
accounts.
DIN:
The noise at the barn dance.
Chip:
What to munch on.
Micro Chip:
What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
Laser:
Someone less ambitious than you.
Infrared:
Where the left-over's go when Fred's around.
Line In:
1. Whatcha do when you go fishin'
2. Whacha dry yer laundry on.
++++++++++++++
gail
> FROM: THE TREES
>
> StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To kILl
oNe cEleBrITY EacH WeEK.
> theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS."
>
>
iF You have stuff to add e-mail danderr@lamar.colostate.edu.
The following four didn't come from my bro, but they're good enough for inclusion.
A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round
the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and
says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please".
The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and
takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the
customer, saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and walks out
with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was
a
very expensive monkey--most of them are only a few hundred dollars.
Why
did it cost so much?"
"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast,
tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says
to the
shopkeeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it
do?"
"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage
object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really
useful stuff."
The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey
in a
cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps
to
the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put
together!
What on earth does it do?"
"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it does anything,
but it says it's a Consultant."
<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>
"I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem."
<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with
the question:
Would you sleep with Bill Clinton.
97% gave the reply, Never Again!
warren
<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>
" In the cookie of life,
Friends are the chocolate chips"
<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>
The 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas
On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to
me:
A database
with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree
anyway?)
On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to
me:
Two transceiver
failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is
going on?)
And a
database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a10GB
database!)
On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to
me:
Three
French users (who, of course, think they know
everything)
Two transceiver
failures (which are now spewing packets all
over the net)
And a
database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)
On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to
me:
Four calls
for support (playing the same Christmas song over
and over)
Three
French users (Why do they like to argue so much over
trivial things?)
Two transceiver
failures (How the hell do I know which ones
they
are?)
And a
database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a
pointer error?)
On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to
me:
Five golden
SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than
silver!)
Four support
calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on
hold?
Three
French users (No, we don't have footpedals on PC's. Why
do you ask?)
Two transceiver
failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I
would know which ones to fix!)
And a
database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are
you nuts?!?!)
On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to
me:
Six games
a-playing (On the production network, of course!)
Five golden
SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!")
Four support
calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR?
Damn!)
Three
French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page
to the screen...)
Two transceiver
failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're
in the ceiling!)
And a
database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this
was written?)
On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave
to me:
Seven
license failures (Expired? When?)
Six games
a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to
each other!)
Five golden
SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide"
SCSI?)
Four support
calls (At least the Muzak is different this
time...)
Three
French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an
"any" key, but...)
Two transceiver
failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would
set it myself!)
And a
database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk
to Lars - NOW!)
On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to
me:
Eight
MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security
violation!)
Seven
license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
Six games
a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on
updates?!?)
Five golden
SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be
fast, isn't it?)
Four support
calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer
me back - DAMN!)
Three
French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to
end a program)
Two transceiver
failures (What do you mean "babbling
transceiver"?)
And a
database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English
in Oslo?)
On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to
me:
Nine lady
executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the
servers?)
Eight
MODEMs dialing (You've been downloading WHAT?)
Seven
license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
Six games
a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the
network?)
Five golden
SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same
ID?)
Four support
calls (No, I am not at the console - I tried that
already.)
Three
French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time. Why do
you ask?)
Two transceiver
failures (Spare? What spare?)
And a
database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find
Lars! L-A-R-S!)
On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to
me:
Ten SNMP
alerts flashing (What is that Godawful beeping?)
Nine lady
executives with attitude (No, it used to be a mens
room? Why?)
Eight
MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don't allow
Internet here!)
Seven
license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
Six games
a-playing (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator
for Lotus! )
Five golden
SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
Four support
calls (No, I never needed an account number
before...)
Three
French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head
crash!)
Two transceiver
failures (Power connection? What power
connection?)
And a
database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index
pointers?)
On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave
to me:
Eleven
boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?)
Ten SNMP
alerts flashing (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an
extension?)
Nine lady
executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room
tiles in mauve?)
Eight
MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate
dial-in?)
Seven
license failures (How many other illegal copies do we
have?!?!)
Six games
a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!)
Five golden
SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I
wouldn't be calling!)
Four support
calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your
credit rating!)
Three
French users (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet
again!)
Two transceiver
failures (How should I know if the connector
is
bad?)
And a
database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of
that!)
On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave
to me:
Twelve
virtual pipe connections (There's only supposed to be
two!)
Eleven
boards a-frying (What's a surge suppressor supposed to
do, anyway?)
Ten SNMP
alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look
like XMas lights.)
Nine lady
executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics
before backups?)
Eight
MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during
business hours.)
Seven
license failures (We're all going to jail, I just know
it.)
Six games
a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!)
Five golden
SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won't
even boot!)
Four support
calls (I don't have that package! How did I end
up with you!)
Three
French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude
screen backgrounds!)
Two transceiver
failures (Maybe we should switch to token
ring...)
And a
database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo,
Norway. We were just talking and were cut off...)
<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>
"I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem."
<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>
In the early 1980s most major computer manufacturers agreed to
stop
forcing people to learn a bunch of different operating systems, and
instead adopted a single, uniform, standardized operating system so
absurdly non-intuitive that nobody could learn it. This system
was
called MS-DOS.
The MS, of course, stood for Microsoft, the company that was started
by the brilliant software genius Bill Gates. Gates is a very rich man
today -- Forbes magazine estimates that he's worth more than the entire
O.J. Simpson defense team combined -- and do you want to know why?
The answer is one word: versions.
To understand what I mean by versions, let's consider an analogy
involving cars. Suppose you've purchased a new car, and you notice
that,
although it does move, it goes very slowly, is extremely hard to steer,
and makes a loud scraping sound. You study this problem for a
while, and
you conclude that the most likely cause is that the car does not have
any
front wheels. So you mention this to the sales person, and he tells
you
that you have Version 1.0 of the car, but that Version
1.1 will be out shortly, and it will feature wheels in front as well
as
back. So when Version 1.1 comes out, you upgrade, which means
you pay
money. But you're happy, because now you have a car with a complete
set
of wheels, and you're totally satisfied with it from the moment
that you
pull out of the dealer's lot to the moment, about 90 seconds later,
when
you drive into a public fountain. This is when you find out that
brakes
are not scheduled to appear until Version 1.3.
This is very much the way MS-DOS worked. The original version, 1.0,
did
virtually nothing except cause the computer screen to say:
A:
That was it. Really. Ask anybody who used MS-DOS computers back
then.
You'd turn them on, and there'd be this A: staring back at you.
What did
it mean? Why A:? Why not some other letter, or even
an actual word?
And what was the little pointy thing for? We will
never know the
answer.It's one of the many mysteries of MS-DOS.
So, anyway, people would turn on their computers, and stare at
the
A: for awhile, scratching their heads, and then finally they'd try
typing
something after the A: , perhaps something like:
A: HELLO
But here was the crucial thing about MS-DOS Version 1.0:
No matter what
you typed in, it would respond as follows:
BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
Then, with no further explanation, it would go back to:
A:
There were rumors -- never verified -- that if you typed in certain
secret code words, you could get some response other than A:
or BAD
COMMAND OR FILE NAME, but if there were such code words, only Bill
Gates
ever knew what they were. So mainly what this version of the MS-DOS
was
used for -- millions of person- hours were spent on this -- was trying
to
get it to do something, anything. If you were to travel back
in time and
look at the average person's computer screen during that era, you'd
see
what looked like a conversation between the computer user and an
unusually hostile employee of the Department of Motor Vehicles:
A: HELLO
BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
A: HELP
BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
A: DO SOMETHING!
BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
A: RUN A PROGRAM, DAMMIT!
BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
A: **** YOU
BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME, ***HOLE
This was pretty much all people did with MS-DOS Version 1.0.
So you can
imagine how excited everybody was when Microsoft came out with Version
1.1, which had a whole new capability. In addition to doing this:
A:
It would sometimes also do this:
C:
A new letter! This was very, very exciting news for those
of us in the
computer geek world. We all immediately upgraded to Version 1.1.
Of
course, no matter what we typed, it still answered BAD COMMAND
OR FILE
NAME. But we felt renewed hope.
Over the next few years, Microsoft continued to come out with
new
improved, versions of MS-DOS, featuring a constantly expanding repertoire
of incomprehensible and/or scary screen messages, including:
B:
NON-SYSTEM DISK OR DISK ERROR
INVALID SWITCH
PATH NOT FOUND
WARNING! ALL DATA WILL BE LOST!
And just about everybody's all-time favorite:
ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?
We loyal Microgeeks faithfully upgraded every time a new version
came
out, until finally, somewhere around Version 3.7, we had reached the
point where we could use MS-DOS to actually run programs on our
computers, and Bill Gates had reached the point where he had
approximately 217 personal jet airplanes.
I should point out that, while all this [MS-DOS masochism] was
going on,
there was another kind of computer developing, in a parallel universe.
This was the Apple, and it operated on an entirely different concept,
which was:
A regular human could use it. You simply turned it on, and immediately,
just like that, you could do stuff with it. It had little pictures
on
the screen, and a little mouse that made a pointer move to the picture
you wanted; even a child could understand this. For many years,
while we
MS-DOS people were typing insanely obscure instructions like:
dir c:\abcproj\docs\lttrs\sales\apr\*.*
The Apple people were simply aiming their little mouse pointers
at
little pictures and going click. In short, the Apple was far easier
to
use. So the vast majority of us serious computer users rejected
it.
As I noted in the introduction, the main reason we have computers is
so
we
can be tormented by them. We don't want some wussy user-friendly
computer: We want a challenge.
That's why, to this very day, Apple is not considered by us cyberwonks
to be a truly serious computer. It is viewed as a computer that
is
popular mainly with your flaky or artsy-fartsy type of individual --
your
artist, your poet, your beatnik, your flower-arranger, your heroin
addict, your Barry Manilow. We serious users pride ourselves on wrestling
with openly hostile computers that are running on an
operating system from the proud, incomprehensible Microsoft tradition.
That
operating system, of course, is Windows.
As I write these words, the computer world is still reverberating
with
the excitement surrounding the introduction of Windows 95, which replaced
Windows Version 3.11, which replaced Windows 3.1, which replaced Windows
Version 3.0, and so on backward to the original Windows Version 1.0,
which did nothing except put a colorful Windows logo on the screen
along
with a message that said OUT OF MEMORY.
Windows 95 represented a major step forward in the sense that
it was
virtually nothing like any of the earlier Windows versions and nobody
had
any idea how to use it. Naturally it was hugely popular.
Everybody
wanted it; Microsoft was getting bulk orders from rainforest-dwelling
tribes that didn't even have electricity.
Nevertheless, there are certain basic computer terms that you
need to
try to familiarize yourself with, so that when you go to purchase a
computer, you don't sound like just some random putz. Instead,
you'll
sound like a specific putz who memorized some terms out of a book.
HARDWARE
This is the part of the computer that stops working when you
spill beer
on it.
SOFTWARE
These are the PROGRAMS that you put on the HARD DRIVE by sticking
them
through the little SLOT. The function of the software is to give
instructions to the
CPU,
which is a set of three initials inside the computer that rapidly
processes billions of tiny facts, called
BYTES,
and within a fraction of a second sends you an ERROR MESSAGE that
requires you to call the CUSTOMER SUPPORT HOTLINE and be placed on
HOLD
for approximately the life span of a CARIBOU. Software is usually
accompanied by
DOCUMENTATION in the form of big fat scary MANUALS that nobody ever
reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the "manuals"
shipped
with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's
THE
STAND with new covers pasted on.
MEGAHERTZ
This is a really, really big hertz.
RAM
This is a shorthand way of referring to "ROM." The unit
of measurement
for
RAM is the "MEG," which stands for a certain amount of RAM."
The function of RAM is to give guys a way of deciding whose computer
has
the
biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important,
because
with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has,
the
faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is,
if
you'real guy, you cannot
have enough RAM. BILL GATES currently has over 743 billion
"megs" of
RAM,
and he still routinely feels the need to stuff a
ZUCCHINI in his UNDERWEAR.
You should use the preceding terms whenever you have to "interface"
with
computer experts. For example, if you're purchasing a new computer,
you
want to use as many of these terms as possible, so that store personnel
will realize that they're dealing with a person who has a high level
of
technical expertise:
STORE PERSONNEL: May I help you?
YOU: I'm looking for a "hard drive" with plenty of "RAM" in the
"megahertz."
STORE PERSONNEL: You want the computer store next door. This
is a
supermarket.
YOU: Let me see your "zucchini."
warren
<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>
"I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem."
<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>
So my buddy decides today's a good day to tow a car. Here
it is, snowing
like crazy, and he needs to get his car off this service station's
lot
that's going out of business...by 4:00 this afternoon. So we
get a rope,
hop in my buddies truck, which is in way worse shape than that old
beater
you were driving a couple years ago, and head out. As you might
recall, my
driving abilities are somewhat subpar in the best of conditions, and
here I
am trying to keep from damaging (further) my buddies car and truck
when
we've got a 2 meter tow strap and there's a snow storm. He couldn't
find
anybody else. This car has been sitting in this lot for like
3 months (did
I mention the garage is going out of business?), and the batteries
dead.
To keep the windshield clean, I'm sticking my hand out the window and
brudhing if off. We get to the busiest intersection in town (we
decide to
take main roads across town to avoid stopping more than necessary)
and we
get a little slack in the tow rope. He pulls away, we jerk hard,
he tries
again, and the rope snaps. I'm sitting almost in the middle of
the busiest
intersection in town in a car that has no locomotive abilities, and
I can't
see shit. After taking his time parking the truck, my buddy comes
back,
and we manage to push the car out of the intersection without any
accidents, and go get a new towstrap. We did finally get the
car to his
house, but it was an adventure all around. And now I'm back here
at work,
wasting more time. I better go do something constructive.
For all who feel only the deepest love and affection for the computers that have enhanced our lives!
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down, and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, was 5 times as fast and twice as easy to drive--but would run on only 5% of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This car has performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna!
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle".
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